Posted in Personal

Sewing!

I forgot how good it feels to get things out and down on paper (or the screen, as the case may be). I only remembered when I had to pull out a pen to mark something on a pattern I’m assembling. So with that, we will move on.

I recently learned to sew and I love it. I have collected a nice little fabric stash and am working on getting through it, hopefully all of it! I’m doing things a little differently than usual and instead of working on one piece start to finish, I’m cutting out EVERYTHING and then I’m going to sit down and sew it all at once.

 

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Here’s my little fabric stash!

It’s honestly the cutting of the pieces that takes the longest! Sewing doesn’t take much time at all, especially with a serger. It’s amazing how fast things can get done with a serger. I use it more than my sewing machine now to be honest. It makes working with knits a dream and there are some clothing patterns I can do with just the serger. I do enjoy the speed control on my sewing machine though. It makes sewing a lot less stressful because I don’t have to worry about the machine running away from me and being unable to control it.

 

But I am getting better at controlling the serger. It goes much faster than the sewing machine so there was a definite learning curve when I tried the serger for the first time. I made some wipes though, which was super easy, and was instantly hooked.

 

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Some of the things I need to sew! A few are gifts.

I have a bunch of things that I want to make when/if I get the time. Maxaloones, shirts, shorts, diapers, dresses, etc. I really love sewing and the fact that it gives me something to do and focus on. I think I would be much worse off without a hobby. I don’t write much anymore, unfortunately, but I can’t really figure out why. I do have stories and characters in my head, but when it comes time to let them out, I just don’t have the interest/energy.

 

I haven’t RPed in a very long time. Over six months I would say. I think about it often, but I can’t bring myself to make that kind of commitment to a partner and then not be able to follow through based on my mood. I definitely need some help to get back up to my old self, but I don’t know who to turn to. No one has really reached out to offer help either. I can do it on my own for a little longer though, just until I figure out where I can get some help.

This post is turning much deeper than I expected. I simply wanted to talk about sewing and not get too much into other things. So I think that I will end this here now before things get more out of hand.

 

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Posted in Personal

Another Round

I’m not really sure what to write, but I know that I do need to write. Just let it out. Whatever “it” is. I don’t know myself, not right now.

I’m definitely stressed. Or worried. Are they the same thing? Maybe, maybe not.

The kids have both been asleep for some time now. It is AMAZING. I had forgotten what quiet was like, what it’s like to reset. It helps to be able to sit in silence for a while, focus on something besides the squirming, grimy little hands clawing me, the mouths constantly calling out for attention. Just… Silence. Pure golden silence, besides the little breaths escaping their mouths.

Things get better. I have to remind myself of that. Make it my mantra.

Posted in Health, Personal

Here Again

I’ve decided to start blogging again because I feel very unheard and invisible. Maybe this won’t help with that since no one really knows about this blog, but I figure it can’t hurt to let it all out either. Anything must be better than ignoring it or bottling it up or pretending that everything is alright.

Treble’s seven months old. Note is three years old. I can’t believe how fast the time flies. But this isn’t about them, not really.

I’m struggling. And as I struggle I contemplate. I contemplate the same damn thing. I can never shake the thought from my mind.

When will it come? When will it come? When will it come?

I can’t help it. I can’t help but wish that I was dead, or would die. I’m not sure that I’d take my own life, not really, but I certainly wish it would end.

I can’t stand the thought of one more day with this pain. I can’t stand the thought of one more day of going through the motions and being alone. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how I will ever get through tomorrow.

Sometimes this feels like the worst mistake in my life. At other times, it feels like the only thing I could have done, the best thing I could have done. But I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to think or what to feel.

I feel empty and full all at once. How is that even possible?

I wish I had stuck with writing. Maybe it would have helped. But I’m terrified, absolutely petrified that someone will find something like this and use it against me. My thoughts aren’t safe when they’re out there in the world, but they’re pure torture if I let them continue to buzz around in my head.

I think listening to music helps. I often forget to use that as an outlet. It’s so easy to get caught up in the muck of living and forget that happiness and expression like music exists. I wish I had kept playing… Maybe some day I will start again.

I’m hoping that I can continue writing here. I’m hoping, like always, that I won’t let this fall into the back burner and have another long absence. I enjoy being able to look back on this blog. I enjoy being able to reflect back upon my words and my life.

Please please please let this be a good outlet for me.

Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

“Just one beer…”

To him it was just one beer, but to me it broke my heart.

Last night, Frank came home. He seemed normal. He woke me up in order to reach across me and move Note into her toddler bed. He got ready for bed himself, and as he did so, he asked, “Do you want to have sex?”

Heck yes. But first, I had to pee. I’m 33 weeks pregnant, after all. Go do my business, climb back into bed. Roll over, with great effort, in order to face Frank, lean in for a kiss and…

“Why do you smell like beer?”

A moment of silence, seconds stretched out beyond recognition, each heartbeat an eternity.

“I had a beer.”

Oh no. My worst fear. I feel sick to my stomach, bile rising in my throat as my heart beats wildly. What do I do? Swallow. Breathe. Focus.

I know what this means. He knows what this means, has to had known as he put the glass to his lips and took a sip. How many sips until he thought of us? Did he care? Did he even think about it? He has done things like this before without giving us a thought at all.

Of course the argument comes next, and it comes as no surprise to me that he attempts to blame this on me.

“I’m a submissive. Why aren’t you more controlling?”

And in the same breath, “I have a problem with authority and I feel like I have no freedom.”

I feel sorry for him, but I’ve always felt sorry for him. That’s why he never has to deal with the consequences of his actions, that’s why he never learns.

Maybe it is my fault.

Posted in Pre-Natal Appointments, Pregnancy, Treble

33 Weeks!

We just had our 33 week prenatal appointment. Before that, we also had the last ultrasound of this pregnancy. We wouldn’t have gotten another ultrasound, but at out 20 week they could not see all of the baby’s heart and suggested we have the ultrasound redone just to be on the safe side, even though everything else looked great and very normal. We got to see all the parts of little Treble and get a couple of pictures.

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Bottom half of face

Treble is head down and slightly engaged, but I can tell from his movements that he engages and disengages all the time. This is a relief as he was stuck in the oblique position for a while and it made me a little worried he might have the umbilical cord around his neck like Note. He seems to be favoring the ROA position, that is that his spine is on my right side but he is mostly facing towards my back. Note was posterior and that caused back pain, which hurt tremendously while in labor. I’ve done a little work to help get Treble into an optimal position. While I do know there is still plenty of time for him to turn whichever way he pleases, this has been the position he is most in so I am hoping it is the position he will be in for labor and delivery.

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Sex check!

Treble measured right on track for everything, even down to the day on most things. The only thing that he measured differently on was his head. It’s measuring almost a week and a half bigger! He’s estimated to weigh 5 lbs right now, so a little bigger than Note at this stage. We could see his hair in the ultrasound. It was much longer than Note’s at this stage. We could see it waving in the water. It looked like little spikes coming off of his head. I can’t believe how much hair he has already. I really want to see what pattern it naturally falls in. Note had amazing baby hair as hers stood up at the back naturally and made for a very cute little face. We did also get another shot of Treble’s junk. I actually didn’t ask for it this time! But I am glad to be able to see it as I still sometimes get paranoid we will have a surprise in the delivery room.

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Note helped find the heartbeat at our appointment.

Right after the ultrasound, we went to the midwife for our prenatal appointment. It was pretty short, as the last ones have been, and there was really nothing new to report this time. We did meet the newest midwife fellow named Carly. She was a delight and it really was a pleasure meeting her. I do hope that she is one of the ones at my birth as she definitely made me feel comfortable. I do hate that Heather isn’t around anymore, but I hope that she is having a great time with her new husband in a new city!

Overall, a pretty good day. I moved back in with my grandma a couple of weeks ago and I just came over here to spend some time with Frank but I’ll be going back now that I had my appointment. I probably won’t come back again until I have my next appointment, but I will probably see Frank on his days off. I’m not too sure how it will all play out with how the vehicle he’s using now. It isn’t the most reliable, so we shall see if it can make the drive!

I need to make sure to post more updates as I do want to document my pregnancy with Treble better than I did my pregnancy with Note. It is challenging with a toddler around, but I’ll at least need to post pictures!

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Emotional

I can’t even talk about what is going on with Frank without wanting to cry. I’ve been trying to talk about the situation with my aunt, but I just tear up and can’t type out any words.

I know they must think I’m exaggerating or crazy for staying with him. I do feel crazy for staying with him. I’m so indecisive. I do feel like I want to leave him, but I also feel really shitty for thinking about leaving him because he’s struggling.

But I wanted a divorce before he started with all this. I was ready to leave, and I feel like all of this was now just a way to make me stay. Because he’s told everyone about what he’s going through, and I haven’t told anyone I want a divorce. So, of course, I’ll look like an asshole if I leave now. How could I leave someone in his situation?

I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which way is the right way. I just want to be happy again, and I’m very tired of everything that’s going on. Maybe that’s why I feel this way.

I just want to focus on my little baby who will be here in about 12 weeks. I want to focus on the things like what I’m going to name him (yep. he still doesn’t have a name), what he’s going to come home in, the diapers he’s going to use until his umbilical cord comes off, where he’s going to sleep. I want to be able to take these last 86 days and focus on my baby and get ready for his birth. This was supposed to be the pregnancy where I didn’t have stress, and, instead, I’m more stressed than I was with Note, when my mom decided to disown me and threaten me.

I just want to be happy. I just want all this to go away. I’m so overwhelmed. This is the last thing I need.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Job Interview

So at 27 weeks pregnant, I got a call back about a job with Wal-Mart. They scheduled an interview for yesterday at 10 am. Of course, I needed someone to watch Note while I went to the interview. Frank said that he would watch her and would be able to take her to work to watch her for a couple of hours until I was done. He goes to work at 9 am and my interview was at 10 am, and we figured it wouldn’t take longer than 30 minutes. I asked him if he was sure he could do that and he said it would be fine. He had done this before a few times at El Divino, but this was a new job so I was uncertain if they were as laid back. It sounded like a plan.

The interview went well in my opinion. It was short, as we thought it would be, and at the end they told me that they had over one hundred applicants and they were still in the interviewing process and it would take about a week before they got back to me about if I got the job or not. I did tell the interviewer that I was pregnant, which I think I shouldn’t have. I know that I’m pretty far along, but he didn’t even notice my belly (it’s pretty small, although not as small as I was when I was this far along with Note). Oh well. I hope I will still get the job despite being pregnant.

After the interview, I went out to meet Frank at Cooper Moon to pick up Note. When I got there, I called Frank and asked him if I should go in or just wait for him to bring Note to me. He told me to go in, so I did. I asked for him and some lady came out. I was really confused, and only became more confused when she told me that Frank wasn’t there and he had left home. I called Frank and tried to talk to him, but he wasn’t making any sense. When I got home, I found him and Note outside. They didn’t have a key to get into the house.

I opened the door and we got inside. I asked Frank what happened and he told me they sent him home because he had Note with him. I asked him if he needed to go into work now and he said no because they had given him the rest of the day off. He sounded really drugged up. He’s on some really strong medication and this round of medication has never had this effect on him, but Frank hasn’t been eating or drinking well and of course that will effect him. It’s affecting me too. I’m really tired of having to deal with this, especially so close to my due date.

Frank went to sleep and at 3 I woke him up so that we could go to WIC and apply for that to help with food. After that, we came back home and Frank seemed more alert. He sent a text to his boss about being able to go in due to finding a babysitter.

And that’s when the news came.

Just when we thought things were looking up and getting better.

Frank got fired.

He was fired for taking Note in with him in the morning and I feel so guilty about that. If I hadn’t just gone to the interview or told them I couldn’t make it for that time, then I Frank would still have his job.

And of course this sent Frank to a bad place. Now he’s suicidal again and he’s in the behavioral center for the fourth time. I really don’t think I can handle much more of this. I know it makes me sound like a really shitty person, but I’m ready to give up on this. I’m ready to leave Frank and just try to make it on my own with my two kids. I know it’s not his fault for having a mental illness, but I don’t feel like he’s really trying to get better.

I hope I get this job. That interview needs to be worth it, and I have to get out of here.

Posted in Personal

New Phone

img_2734In all the excitement, I forgot to post that I finally got a new phone! I don’t think I ever posted a picture of what my phone looked like before, but it’s been cracked for about two and a half months. Actually, I think it’s been cracked for longer than that.

Anyway, after it cracked, Note still continued to use it so, of course, it fell a couple more times. The cracks got worse and parts of the screen began detaching from the phone. Note began peeling these pieces off, leaving much of the phone exposed. As you can see on the picture to the left, the forward facing camera is completely uncovered. At one point, Note pulled it from its casing and actually had it barely in the phone, but I stopped her before she could actually disconnect it from anything.

Note dropped it one final time while we were at one of Frank’s appointments, and the lower half of the screen just went black like that and the thumbprint scanner didn’t want to work either. Frank called the insurance and the next day my new phone arrived. It took forever to sync my old phone and transfer everything onto the new phone. I also had to update the new phone before it would backup from my old phone.

But now I have a new phone, and that’s what matters from that whole experience. I can’t believe I was dealing with that phone for so long. And it did originally have a case on it (a really thick one too!) when the first drop that cracked the screen happened. Sometimes the floor just wins.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Money Problems

Money problems are pretty much universal to everyone. Of course, there are some rich people out there that don’t share this struggle with the rest of us, but for the majority of the world, everyone has some kind of money troubles or another.

Frank has been the only one working since I lost my first pregnancy back in May of 2013. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to be a stay at home parent to Note, and, hopefully, I will be able to be a stay at home parent to Treble for at least a year, but ideally longer. This hasn’t come without its sacrifices, of course. Money is usually tight for us and we have little room for luxuries.

Recently, however, we have fallen into some money problems because Frank had to quit working to go to the behavioral center for a third time. Her stay this last time was longer than the other times, and when she came out, she didn’t have a job. She recently got hired for a new job, one that is an upgrade in pay and environment to her old one. We still only have the last paycheck from her old job though, and she’s quickly burning through all of that money.

Since she got the job just yesterday, she has been spending a bunch of money on things she thinks are “necessary”, like a new wallet and socks (she has a ton of socks already as we just bought her a ten pack) and chef coats (when she has already four chef coats PLUS two BRAND NEW ones still in the package she has been refusing to use until she gets a new job). It’s extremely frustrating to me, but perhaps I’m only so frustrated because I have been asking to put a reborn baby doll on layaway for a few months and Frank has said that I could do it once I found the doll I wanted.

I finally found a kit I absolutely love and an artist who is in our price range (Frank has also promised me a full body silicone doll with a drink and wet system, but I know that will come later) and now Frank has been backing out on me. He never lets me actually put the deposit down when I ask.

And yet she has spent so much money on things she already has and doesn’t need. I know I don’t need a reborn and I probably sound really selfish with this post, but I’m just really tired and my depression has been getting harder to fight as I wean off of my antidepressants. I’ve found that I’m much more irritable lately, and have random bouts of crying like I used to. I may have to try weaning more slowly, even though I wasn’t at a very high dose to begin with.

We both have our own problems. I really shouldn’t be so hard on her. I know she’s trying really hard, and it’s hard to be the sole source of income for a family of three, soon to be four.

That’s one thing I love about blogging. Typing out my thoughts always makes me more calm about things after.

Posted in Frank, Health, Personal, Relationships

Depression Lives Here

Depression lives in our household, and some days the smothering effects of the dense cloud of mental illness becomes hard to escape. Today is one of those days.

Frank has the most problems right now, and I try to push my own aside in order for him to be able to focus on himself and get better. He has tried to kill himself three times — that I know about — in the past month and a half. With the first attempt, he crashed my truck into a post without his seat belt on in the hopes that the airbags would deploy and kill him. Luckily, that didn’t happen.

Since then, he has tried twice to overdose on his medication. He seems better on this medication after his most recent stay in the behavioral center here in Edinburg. I’m hoping he stays more or less stable, but some days he has his downs and that triggers my own mental illness.

I have OCD and depression. I was diagnosed back in 2010 with depression and 2011 with OCD. My OCD manifests itself in the form of “Pure-O”, which basically means I do not have as many compulsions as “typical” cases of people with OCD. My mind races with thoughts and obsessions that I can’t control, leaving my mind to be a prison for my consciousness all its own.

I am one of the cases where medication greatly improved my symptoms. However, I am not comfortable with taking medication while pregnant, which is purely a personal preference as many medications are mostly safe to take while pregnant. So, in 2013 when I became pregnant with Note, I quit my medication. I actually quit my medication shortly before becoming pregnant for the first time, which ended in miscarriage. As I have talked about before, I had very bad depression during that time that was a struggle to control. I have been off medication since that time, and my depression and OCD have become harder and harder to combat on my own, but I have found a few coping skills that help me manage. However, the stress of recent events has made it absolutely necessary for me to be back on medication

It was a difficult decision for me to make as I am not a fan of the effects it has on babies in the womb. I will be quitting the medication in my third trimester due to the breathing distress it can cause in a newborn, but, for now, it has greatly helped my mental state.

Still, even while I have struggled with mental illness for a good portion of my life, I struggle with understanding and accepting someone else’s mental illness, specifically Frank’s. I have attempted suicide before, but never in the intensity that Frank has attempted (ie 3 attempts in 1.5 months). The fact that everything seemed fine that day, and leading up to that day, and then our entire life was turned upside down by this, is a concept I am finding hard to understand. But it makes sense. Of course it does. One of the most common things said after a suicide attempt — successful or otherwise — is “they seemed so happy”.

Why is it so easy for me to forget that?

I have been as supportive, understanding, and caring as I possibly can. I have struggled through and suffered in silence, besides what little I share on this blog (and the only reason I don’t share more is because I don’t have time to write more).

But some days I am certain I will be crushed underneath this weight. Some days I feel like this mental illness is going to get the both of us. Even with the medication, of which I only have a few weeks left to take before the third trimester comes, the days can be hard, harder than I think I can manage.

And yet here I still am.

And here I’ll be.