Sometimes it hits me, so suddenly and out of nowhere. The ugly beast known as depression rears its head and creeps into the corners of my mind, uninvited.
Today, maybe it’s because I’m tired. We live with other people, a lot of other people, and it’s exhausting. Their ins and outs, their constant nagging, the general atmosphere of the house: all of it combines to leave me completely wiped at the end of the day, my mind and body ready to collapse amidst the pillows and let sleep reset my soul.
But of course it can’t work that easily. Sleep doesn’t come, and by the time it does, exhaustion has set so deep into my bones that once Frank enters the room after a long shift, I hardly stir.
I’m ready to be alone again. I’m not a people person, I never have been. My solitude is precious, and a gift rare received now. I’m ready to have a place of our own that we call home, that draws us towards it, where Note marks their growth on the crowning in their doorway and Treble takes those tentative first steps and Karma sleeps, curled, upon the couch. I’m ready for us to have our own space, to breathe and live, where our existence isn’t measured in dirty dishes and resources wasted but in love and laughs. I’m ready for my child to be seen as more than a burden or a destroyer, and for the stillness to settle around us once everyone goes to bed.
I can’t say when that will all come to pass, but I know it is sometime soon.
We went to our first prenatal appointment today! I thought I was 9 weeks 6 days, but when they did the ultrasound, the baby only measured 5 weeks 6 days. I have been using September 15th as my due date based on my period, but I was giving my new, official due date of October 15th. That means that I caught this pregnancy super early! We did get to see the heartbeat, but it was too early to hear it. We should be able to hear it at our next appointment on 1 March. Now that I am getting further along, I’m getting some of the nausea like I had for Note. I suppose with Note it came so much quicker because I was carrying twins in the beginning. Definitely only one baby this time around, unless I lost the twin very early like I did last pregnancy, but I really don’t feel I was ever carrying more than one this pregnancy. Now that I’ve seen our newest addition, I feel a lot of that dread has eased from my heart and I’m properly excited about this pregnancy once more.
I’m kind of sad to lose about a month off the time I had thought I had completed for this pregnancy. That means it will be one extra month before I get to hold this little one in my arms. I know this pregnancy will pass by much faster than Note’s, however, now that I have a little toddler to chase after. I’m also excited by the fact that Ramzi Method says this baby should be a boy. Gender doesn’t matter much to us and we are still going Team Green, but it is something fun to guess. We will know in eight months!
Overall, my symptoms have been getting stronger and stronger, particularly the morning sickness. I found that milk really upsets my stomach more than other foods, so I’m trying to avoid it and get my calcium from other sources. Maybe I will try some kind of almond milk or something. I’m sure Note would like to try that too. Regular milk upsets their stomach.
I had some tenderness in my breast, but that has disappeared. Perhaps in the beginning it had to do with quitting breastfeeding. The weaning went pretty well. Note still asks me for milk sometimes, but I usually just distract them with something else or say “not right now” and they forget about it. I miss breastfeeding them though, and I am considering starting it back up once they get over their yeast infection, as they do have it in their mouth as well, and the last thing I need is for yeast to cultivate on my nipples.
Overall, I’m really enjoying pregnancy! I hope that the morning sickness goes away. I can’t handle it if I have morning sickness as severe and for as long as I did with Note. It will be way too hard to keep up and keep functioning!
This was actually the week eight prompt from my pregnancy app, but I didn’t have much time to sit down and write last week. We went to El Paso to pick up Note, and that really took a lot out of me as it was 12 hours each way.
So, the answer to that question… Although with this pregnancy I’m feeling generally much better than I did with Note, both emotionally and physically, I can’t shake this feeling of impending dread that’s stuck in my heart. I’m so excited about this pregnancy and the chance to be a parent again, but something in my heart tells me “you won’t be taking this baby home.”
It’s very strange. If I had these feelings with Note, I would chalk it up to being afraid of being pregnant right after having a miscarriage. But with this one, I don’t really know why I’m so anxious about it and why I have this feeling. Perhaps it’s because by this time in the pregnancy with Note, I had already had a handful of ultrasounds as well as blood testing done. With this one, due to insurance issues, my first appointment is tomorrow. I’m ridiculously excited to get checked out and make sure that everything looks alright so far. I’ll also get an official due date, as I suspect that I ovulated late and my due date is off by as much as two weeks, which makes a big difference when it comes to birthing time.
If everything looks alright tomorrow, I’m sure that I’ll be counting down the weeks until I hit 24 weeks and baby hits viability. At the very least, they’ll have a chance then.
Here’s a shot of my belly! I think I look much bigger than I actually am when I have clothes on. Usually the belly pictures I take, I’m naked.
So I have that little WebMD Pregnancy app and it has like a journal function and gives prompts for every week. This week’s prompt is “What are you excited about?” I’ve decided to answer those here since this is more of my pregnancy journal and much easier to give my future child access to if they should ever wish to see the ramblings of their pregnant parent.
So, what am I excited about? I’m excited to have a newborn in my arms again. I’m excited that Note is going to have a sibling. I think that Note will love growing up along side someone and being an older sibling. I’m also excited that Treble has someone as wonderful as Note to look up to. Note is so patient and kind, even if they can have a temper some times.
I’m excited to have two children earth side, and navigating the challenges that come with having more than one child to raise. Generally, I’m excited about this whole pregnancy. It’s much different than how I felt with Note, but I do think that I had a severe case of pre-natal depression when it came to Note. The situation we were in while I was pregnant with Note didn’t help either.
I’m so happy to finally feel excited and in love with a pregnancy. We will not be finding out the gender again, but I do know some “tricks” for predicting gender, and I hope that doesn’t mess me up with gender disappointment. I believe that happened when I was pregnant with Note as well, even if I didn’t get a confirmation until Note was born.
Generally, I feel great except for some general fatigue/exhaustion. That could have to do with working again though and not being used to that. I won’t be working for much longer though, so then I’ll be able to rest up and chase Note around again. Can’t wait to have them back home!
Or, actually, number FOUR, when including my angel babies, but this will, hopefully, be my second earth baby should everything go over smoothly.
I recently stopped breastfeeding Note as they went to spend some time with Frank’s grandmother to give me a little break. I kept pumping to keep myself from getting full and uncomfortable, but within a week of pumping, I found that my milk pretty much completely dried up. I was only getting four ounces a day when I first started, so I suppose it shouldn’t have been a big surprise. I think quitting breastfeeding is what allowed me to get pregnant. We have been using birth control intermittently since Note was born but haven’t gotten pregnant until now.
My cycles are really long, and only got longer in the last six months, and are currently averaging 40 days. According to that, my due date is 29 September. According to just the date of my last period and the standard due date calculator, my due date is 15 September, so a two week difference which can mean a lot. My last period, I bled for two weeks, so I don’t think either of those due dates are accurate. I was supposed to have an appointment today, but the insurance messed up my billing stuff, so I’m currently uninsured. I took a pregnancy test on 20 January and it came out negative, but when I took a test a week later on 28 January, it was positive. Because of this, I’m thinking I’m closer to five weeks.
I’ve been much more tired this pregnancy than with the others, but I have no other symptoms. I was so scared I would be getting morning sickness my entire pregnancy like with Note, but I’ve been lucky, at least this far. It kind of makes me worried, however, that something is wrong, and it doesn’t help that I can’t go check on the baby until the insurance thing is fixed. I’ve been kind of crampy too, which I thought didn’t really happen in the next pregnancies since the uterus was already kind of stretched. Overall, this pregnancy is extremely different. It makes me think this baby might be the opposite gender as Note, which the Chinese Gender Calendar also predicts. Like Note, we’ll wait to see until after the birth.
I’m very excited, over the moon honestly, which makes me think that with Note I really did have a severe case of prenatal depression, but because of my own pride and thoughts of how I should feel about pregnancy, I never got any help.
This baby’s nickname is Treble so far. I think we’re keeping that. Frank’s mom wanted to only use that for a boy, but we need something to call the baby. Lyrick, Allegro, and Legato are all on the list too though. Maybe we’ll change it, maybe not.
I’m going to be posting a few of the things I have in my draft folder to go ahead and keep that information relevant.~ Below is a belly shot! I’m a little chunkier now than I was before I had Note. Hoping to keep my weight under control since I don’t have morning sickness to deal with this time around.