Posted in Personal

Sewing!

I forgot how good it feels to get things out and down on paper (or the screen, as the case may be). I only remembered when I had to pull out a pen to mark something on a pattern I’m assembling. So with that, we will move on.

I recently learned to sew and I love it. I have collected a nice little fabric stash and am working on getting through it, hopefully all of it! I’m doing things a little differently than usual and instead of working on one piece start to finish, I’m cutting out EVERYTHING and then I’m going to sit down and sew it all at once.

 

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Here’s my little fabric stash!

It’s honestly the cutting of the pieces that takes the longest! Sewing doesn’t take much time at all, especially with a serger. It’s amazing how fast things can get done with a serger. I use it more than my sewing machine now to be honest. It makes working with knits a dream and there are some clothing patterns I can do with just the serger. I do enjoy the speed control on my sewing machine though. It makes sewing a lot less stressful because I don’t have to worry about the machine running away from me and being unable to control it.

 

But I am getting better at controlling the serger. It goes much faster than the sewing machine so there was a definite learning curve when I tried the serger for the first time. I made some wipes though, which was super easy, and was instantly hooked.

 

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Some of the things I need to sew! A few are gifts.

I have a bunch of things that I want to make when/if I get the time. Maxaloones, shirts, shorts, diapers, dresses, etc. I really love sewing and the fact that it gives me something to do and focus on. I think I would be much worse off without a hobby. I don’t write much anymore, unfortunately, but I can’t really figure out why. I do have stories and characters in my head, but when it comes time to let them out, I just don’t have the interest/energy.

 

I haven’t RPed in a very long time. Over six months I would say. I think about it often, but I can’t bring myself to make that kind of commitment to a partner and then not be able to follow through based on my mood. I definitely need some help to get back up to my old self, but I don’t know who to turn to. No one has really reached out to offer help either. I can do it on my own for a little longer though, just until I figure out where I can get some help.

This post is turning much deeper than I expected. I simply wanted to talk about sewing and not get too much into other things. So I think that I will end this here now before things get more out of hand.

 

Posted in Personal

Another Round

I’m not really sure what to write, but I know that I do need to write. Just let it out. Whatever “it” is. I don’t know myself, not right now.

I’m definitely stressed. Or worried. Are they the same thing? Maybe, maybe not.

The kids have both been asleep for some time now. It is AMAZING. I had forgotten what quiet was like, what it’s like to reset. It helps to be able to sit in silence for a while, focus on something besides the squirming, grimy little hands clawing me, the mouths constantly calling out for attention. Just… Silence. Pure golden silence, besides the little breaths escaping their mouths.

Things get better. I have to remind myself of that. Make it my mantra.

Posted in Health, Personal

Here Again

I’ve decided to start blogging again because I feel very unheard and invisible. Maybe this won’t help with that since no one really knows about this blog, but I figure it can’t hurt to let it all out either. Anything must be better than ignoring it or bottling it up or pretending that everything is alright.

Treble’s seven months old. Note is three years old. I can’t believe how fast the time flies. But this isn’t about them, not really.

I’m struggling. And as I struggle I contemplate. I contemplate the same damn thing. I can never shake the thought from my mind.

When will it come? When will it come? When will it come?

I can’t help it. I can’t help but wish that I was dead, or would die. I’m not sure that I’d take my own life, not really, but I certainly wish it would end.

I can’t stand the thought of one more day with this pain. I can’t stand the thought of one more day of going through the motions and being alone. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how I will ever get through tomorrow.

Sometimes this feels like the worst mistake in my life. At other times, it feels like the only thing I could have done, the best thing I could have done. But I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to think or what to feel.

I feel empty and full all at once. How is that even possible?

I wish I had stuck with writing. Maybe it would have helped. But I’m terrified, absolutely petrified that someone will find something like this and use it against me. My thoughts aren’t safe when they’re out there in the world, but they’re pure torture if I let them continue to buzz around in my head.

I think listening to music helps. I often forget to use that as an outlet. It’s so easy to get caught up in the muck of living and forget that happiness and expression like music exists. I wish I had kept playing… Maybe some day I will start again.

I’m hoping that I can continue writing here. I’m hoping, like always, that I won’t let this fall into the back burner and have another long absence. I enjoy being able to look back on this blog. I enjoy being able to reflect back upon my words and my life.

Please please please let this be a good outlet for me.

Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day.