Posted in Health, Personal

Here Again

I’ve decided to start blogging again because I feel very unheard and invisible. Maybe this won’t help with that since no one really knows about this blog, but I figure it can’t hurt to let it all out either. Anything must be better than ignoring it or bottling it up or pretending that everything is alright.

Treble’s seven months old. Note is three years old. I can’t believe how fast the time flies. But this isn’t about them, not really.

I’m struggling. And as I struggle I contemplate. I contemplate the same damn thing. I can never shake the thought from my mind.

When will it come? When will it come? When will it come?

I can’t help it. I can’t help but wish that I was dead, or would die. I’m not sure that I’d take my own life, not really, but I certainly wish it would end.

I can’t stand the thought of one more day with this pain. I can’t stand the thought of one more day of going through the motions and being alone. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how I will ever get through tomorrow.

Sometimes this feels like the worst mistake in my life. At other times, it feels like the only thing I could have done, the best thing I could have done. But I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to think or what to feel.

I feel empty and full all at once. How is that even possible?

I wish I had stuck with writing. Maybe it would have helped. But I’m terrified, absolutely petrified that someone will find something like this and use it against me. My thoughts aren’t safe when they’re out there in the world, but they’re pure torture if I let them continue to buzz around in my head.

I think listening to music helps. I often forget to use that as an outlet. It’s so easy to get caught up in the muck of living and forget that happiness and expression like music exists. I wish I had kept playing… Maybe some day I will start again.

I’m hoping that I can continue writing here. I’m hoping, like always, that I won’t let this fall into the back burner and have another long absence. I enjoy being able to look back on this blog. I enjoy being able to reflect back upon my words and my life.

Please please please let this be a good outlet for me.

Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day.

Posted in Frank, Health, Personal, Relationships

Depression Lives Here

Depression lives in our household, and some days the smothering effects of the dense cloud of mental illness becomes hard to escape. Today is one of those days.

Frank has the most problems right now, and I try to push my own aside in order for him to be able to focus on himself and get better. He has tried to kill himself three times — that I know about — in the past month and a half. With the first attempt, he crashed my truck into a post without his seat belt on in the hopes that the airbags would deploy and kill him. Luckily, that didn’t happen.

Since then, he has tried twice to overdose on his medication. He seems better on this medication after his most recent stay in the behavioral center here in Edinburg. I’m hoping he stays more or less stable, but some days he has his downs and that triggers my own mental illness.

I have OCD and depression. I was diagnosed back in 2010 with depression and 2011 with OCD. My OCD manifests itself in the form of “Pure-O”, which basically means I do not have as many compulsions as “typical” cases of people with OCD. My mind races with thoughts and obsessions that I can’t control, leaving my mind to be a prison for my consciousness all its own.

I am one of the cases where medication greatly improved my symptoms. However, I am not comfortable with taking medication while pregnant, which is purely a personal preference as many medications are mostly safe to take while pregnant. So, in 2013 when I became pregnant with Note, I quit my medication. I actually quit my medication shortly before becoming pregnant for the first time, which ended in miscarriage. As I have talked about before, I had very bad depression during that time that was a struggle to control. I have been off medication since that time, and my depression and OCD have become harder and harder to combat on my own, but I have found a few coping skills that help me manage. However, the stress of recent events has made it absolutely necessary for me to be back on medication

It was a difficult decision for me to make as I am not a fan of the effects it has on babies in the womb. I will be quitting the medication in my third trimester due to the breathing distress it can cause in a newborn, but, for now, it has greatly helped my mental state.

Still, even while I have struggled with mental illness for a good portion of my life, I struggle with understanding and accepting someone else’s mental illness, specifically Frank’s. I have attempted suicide before, but never in the intensity that Frank has attempted (ie 3 attempts in 1.5 months). The fact that everything seemed fine that day, and leading up to that day, and then our entire life was turned upside down by this, is a concept I am finding hard to understand. But it makes sense. Of course it does. One of the most common things said after a suicide attempt — successful or otherwise — is “they seemed so happy”.

Why is it so easy for me to forget that?

I have been as supportive, understanding, and caring as I possibly can. I have struggled through and suffered in silence, besides what little I share on this blog (and the only reason I don’t share more is because I don’t have time to write more).

But some days I am certain I will be crushed underneath this weight. Some days I feel like this mental illness is going to get the both of us. Even with the medication, of which I only have a few weeks left to take before the third trimester comes, the days can be hard, harder than I think I can manage.

And yet here I still am.

And here I’ll be.

Posted in Health, Note, Personal, Pre-Natal Appointments, Pregnancy, Treble

Time For an Update!

img_5631Ah! I kind of fell into old habits and stepped away from this blog for a bit. I had another appointment two weeks after I got my official due date just to make sure everything was okay. I went alone to this appointment because Frank was tired. He stayed with Note and I enjoyed my time to myself. I was able to hear the heartbeat, which was 120 bpm. Note’s heartbeat was always 160 and above. Treble measured an entire eight days ahead of where I am based on my due date. Note always measured right on time, so this is an interesting twist, and I wonder what it will mean as far as delivery goes.

By the time I have my next appointment with the OB, I’ll be 11 weeks 3 days, but Treble will be measuring 12 weeks 4 days if the measurements this time weren’t just a fluke. That’s such an exciting time because the baby will definitely look like a baby, and we should be able to see all the limbs flailing around. That was one of my favorite things about my appointments when I was pregnant with Note. If it wasn’t for that, I would probably cut out the OB care.

img_5632We also had a visit with the midwife. That helped immensely in helping ease my worries. They said I could deliver there despite my herpes. I was worried that would disqualify me from being low risk and I would be forced to deliver in a hospital. Of course, I still will need a c-section if I am having an outbreak at the time of delivery. I really hope that doesn’t happen. Honestly, I think I will go so fast this time I won’t even have time to go in and get a c-section. I have to be hyper-vigilant for signs of labor when the time comes. Hopefully I can recognize it better now that I’ve been through it once.

The midwife visit was pretty standard. A lot of history and “how are you feeling?” I’ve forgotten how long those visits take.

In other news, Note has officially stopped breastfeeding. Note would ask me occasionally if they could have milk. We tried breastfeeding again and they latched on. It hurt me immensely and they gave me this look while latched, a smile on their lips, but I think they knew it would be the last time that we would be doing that. The next day, the led me to the fridge and asked me for “milk”, then took out the gallon of cow’s milk from the fridge. So, that’s it. At 23 months, our breastfeeding journey has come to its natural conclusion. Its a very bittersweet thing.

So, that’s pretty much everything that’s been going on around here. Nothing to report but me getting more pregnant and Note getting bigger. They’ll be two in about a month. I’m not 100% sure what we’re going to do as far as a party. I’m thinking a very small, subdued get-together at the park. Nothing big, and Frank will make sausage and burgers on the grill. Quick and easy. Not sure if we will do a theme or anything yet. I need to talk to Frank about it a bit more.

213 days to go!

Posted in Health, Personal

Sometimes It Hits Me

Sometimes it hits me, so suddenly and out of nowhere. The ugly beast known as depression rears its head and creeps into the corners of my mind, uninvited.

Today, maybe it’s because I’m tired. We live with other people, a lot of other people, and it’s exhausting. Their ins and outs, their constant nagging, the general atmosphere of the house: all of it combines to leave me completely wiped at the end of the day, my mind and body ready to collapse amidst the pillows and let sleep reset my soul.

But of course it can’t work that easily. Sleep doesn’t come, and by the time it does, exhaustion has set so deep into my bones that once Frank enters the room after a long shift, I hardly stir.

I’m ready to be alone again. I’m not a people person, I never have been. My solitude is precious, and a gift rare received now. I’m ready to have a place of our own that we call home, that draws us towards it, where Note marks their growth on the crowning in their doorway and Treble takes those tentative first steps and Karma sleeps, curled, upon the couch. I’m ready for us to have our own space, to breathe and live, where our existence isn’t measured in dirty dishes and resources wasted but in love and laughs. I’m ready for my child to be seen as more than a burden or a destroyer, and for the stillness to settle around us once everyone goes to bed.

I can’t say when that will all come to pass, but I know it is sometime soon. 

Posted in Health, Personal, Polyamory, Relationships

Keeping Up

I’ve never been good with keeping up with writing on a schedule. Every time I make a blog, it seems to fall flat due to my own inability to set aside some time to do one of the things I love the most – WRITE! (Un)fortunately, I’m at a point in my life where a lot of things are about to start changing. Some of these changes will be positive, while others will be negative. This means that I will NOT allow this blog to die like I have let it for the past year and a half.

I don’t believe I’ve ever gone into the details of my relationship situation/structure on this blog, and I hardly ever disclose the details in my real life unless such a question or situation arises where a clarification is needed. Frank and I are in an open and poly-amorous relationship. I will go more into what this means and how our relationship works in another blog post, but for now I will keep this shorter and simpler.

Frank was diagnosed with herpes this past Saturday. We get the official results this Saturday, but at this point we are pretty certain that he is going through a herpes outbreak. The bad news? We never bothered using condoms with each other (which would have only helped a little, since condoms only reduce the risk of getting herpes by 50%). Now, I’m going through a herpes outbreak myself… without health insurance. It’s not that bad yet, but I’m a few days behind Frank in terms of symptoms, and he’s getting pretty bad while taking medication. I’m not looking forward to facing the same fate without anything to curb the effects. That’s one of the negative changes in my life.

But now let me move onto the positive. His name is Charles and he’s positively wonderful. I haven’t dated outside of my marriage in quite some, so this all feels like new territory to me once again. I met him on the notorious Tinder, infamous for being a cesspool of fuckboys (have I mentioned this is my new favorite word?) and hook ups. Okay, that’s not always as bad as it sounds, but it wasn’t what I was looking for. Either way, I decided to give the app a shot and I met a couple of cool people on there who weren’t total fuckboys. One of these gems was Charles, who instantly caught my eye as he enjoyed reading, writing, and had been in a polyamorous relationship before. Yeah, the beard threw me off a little (I hate facial hair), but it was a small trade off for the personality under the hair.

The only person I have been with since my pregnancy has been T.C. I love his company and we share many interests. He’s kind and respectful. But I always felt there was just a small something missing between us. Not something easily tangible or anything I could put my finger on, probably something that wouldn’t ever cause problems due to being missing, but just enough to cause me to never want to jump fully back into polyamory after my pregnancy. Charles has that little something.

Charles and I are far from an official anything, but we’re both very excited to explore the possibility of something between us. Even if nothing happens, he has reopened my eyes to the beautiful and fulfilling life I can have should I continue down the polyamorous path. I had begun to stray, not necessarily wanting our relationship to become monogamous, but allowing myself to fall into a typical monogamous relationship on my side while Frank went out, flirted, and dated (never mind that one of the two guys he recently dated gave him herpes… Can you tell I’m bitter?).

And another (huge) plus for Charles is that Note absolutely loves him. Note never really liked T.C., and I’ve never been sure why. Note doesn’t like a lot of people though, to be honest, so it’s not usually something I hold against people, but it’s definitely a big positive..

Well, that will be it for my little update this time around. Maybe next time I’ll go into the endless amount of fuckboys I’ve met and the ridiculous amount of laughs they’ve given me.

Posted in Health, Note, Pre-Natal Appointments, Pregnancy

Salty Cravings…

I absolutely cannot get enough of these Lay’s potato chips I am eating even though I am currently suffering from reflux due to having pizza for breakfast in the morning with Frank. I have been craving salty things for about the last week or so. Another craving I have been having recently? Dirt. I want to eat dirt so badly, but I wouldn’t because it’s so… well, dirty! There’s just too much risk for parasites and infection. I used to eat it as a child, but I was too young and uninformed to think about this stuff!

Yesterday we went to the midwife and they went ahead and drew some blood for some tests. A nursing student went ahead and did it, and he had such a hard time sticking me and caused me to bleed all over the place. Then she accidently pulled the needle out while drawing blood and there was just blood leaking out of me. She tried my other arm, and had some trouble again but she was able to draw the blood needed. Frank was incredibly mad and about to punch her in the face or something, but I really didn’t mind too much. It didn’t actually hurt (although it is a little sore today) and I understand they need to do this to learn. The poor girl was so shaky!

We did receive the bad news that we were not approved for the home birth because this is my first child. Labors are generally longer for first time moms, so they basically didn’t want to invest in it. So, I will have to give birth at the birth center. I can’t even begin to express my disappointment, but it was always our second choice if we couldn’t do the home birth, so I guess I should have expected this. Now that we know we won’t be doing a home birth, I’ll be making a post about our birth plan soon.

Today they called us with the results from the labs. It turns out I am anemic and I may also be having some thyroid trouble. Luckily, my liver stuff came back normal. I’ve got an iron supplement I can pick up tomorrow and need to take two to three times a day. I don’t think that it will be that bad. I remember having to take iron pills as a kid. They were hard to swallow but otherwise not too bad.

We also went to the obgyn today. I don’t have the ultrasounds on me, so I will just post the ones from the last appointment. That appointment went over well. The baby looks great and nothing is wrong. Note is head down and basically in position for birth. They estimated that Note now weighs 5 pounds 4 ounces. That’s only four ounces away from breaking the low birth weight barrier! Babies with low birth weight usually have problems, so it will be nice once Note gets over that and also goes to term.

Anyway, here are the ultrasounds from four weeks ago! (I can’t find the ones from two weeks on my computer.)