Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

“Just one beer…”

To him it was just one beer, but to me it broke my heart.

Last night, Frank came home. He seemed normal. He woke me up in order to reach across me and move Note into her toddler bed. He got ready for bed himself, and as he did so, he asked, “Do you want to have sex?”

Heck yes. But first, I had to pee. I’m 33 weeks pregnant, after all. Go do my business, climb back into bed. Roll over, with great effort, in order to face Frank, lean in for a kiss and…

“Why do you smell like beer?”

A moment of silence, seconds stretched out beyond recognition, each heartbeat an eternity.

“I had a beer.”

Oh no. My worst fear. I feel sick to my stomach, bile rising in my throat as my heart beats wildly. What do I do? Swallow. Breathe. Focus.

I know what this means. He knows what this means, has to had known as he put the glass to his lips and took a sip. How many sips until he thought of us? Did he care? Did he even think about it? He has done things like this before without giving us a thought at all.

Of course the argument comes next, and it comes as no surprise to me that he attempts to blame this on me.

“I’m a submissive. Why aren’t you more controlling?”

And in the same breath, “I have a problem with authority and I feel like I have no freedom.”

I feel sorry for him, but I’ve always felt sorry for him. That’s why he never has to deal with the consequences of his actions, that’s why he never learns.

Maybe it is my fault.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Emotional

I can’t even talk about what is going on with Frank without wanting to cry. I’ve been trying to talk about the situation with my aunt, but I just tear up and can’t type out any words.

I know they must think I’m exaggerating or crazy for staying with him. I do feel crazy for staying with him. I’m so indecisive. I do feel like I want to leave him, but I also feel really shitty for thinking about leaving him because he’s struggling.

But I wanted a divorce before he started with all this. I was ready to leave, and I feel like all of this was now just a way to make me stay. Because he’s told everyone about what he’s going through, and I haven’t told anyone I want a divorce. So, of course, I’ll look like an asshole if I leave now. How could I leave someone in his situation?

I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which way is the right way. I just want to be happy again, and I’m very tired of everything that’s going on. Maybe that’s why I feel this way.

I just want to focus on my little baby who will be here in about 12 weeks. I want to focus on the things like what I’m going to name him (yep. he still doesn’t have a name), what he’s going to come home in, the diapers he’s going to use until his umbilical cord comes off, where he’s going to sleep. I want to be able to take these last 86 days and focus on my baby and get ready for his birth. This was supposed to be the pregnancy where I didn’t have stress, and, instead, I’m more stressed than I was with Note, when my mom decided to disown me and threaten me.

I just want to be happy. I just want all this to go away. I’m so overwhelmed. This is the last thing I need.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Job Interview

So at 27 weeks pregnant, I got a call back about a job with Wal-Mart. They scheduled an interview for yesterday at 10 am. Of course, I needed someone to watch Note while I went to the interview. Frank said that he would watch her and would be able to take her to work to watch her for a couple of hours until I was done. He goes to work at 9 am and my interview was at 10 am, and we figured it wouldn’t take longer than 30 minutes. I asked him if he was sure he could do that and he said it would be fine. He had done this before a few times at El Divino, but this was a new job so I was uncertain if they were as laid back. It sounded like a plan.

The interview went well in my opinion. It was short, as we thought it would be, and at the end they told me that they had over one hundred applicants and they were still in the interviewing process and it would take about a week before they got back to me about if I got the job or not. I did tell the interviewer that I was pregnant, which I think I shouldn’t have. I know that I’m pretty far along, but he didn’t even notice my belly (it’s pretty small, although not as small as I was when I was this far along with Note). Oh well. I hope I will still get the job despite being pregnant.

After the interview, I went out to meet Frank at Cooper Moon to pick up Note. When I got there, I called Frank and asked him if I should go in or just wait for him to bring Note to me. He told me to go in, so I did. I asked for him and some lady came out. I was really confused, and only became more confused when she told me that Frank wasn’t there and he had left home. I called Frank and tried to talk to him, but he wasn’t making any sense. When I got home, I found him and Note outside. They didn’t have a key to get into the house.

I opened the door and we got inside. I asked Frank what happened and he told me they sent him home because he had Note with him. I asked him if he needed to go into work now and he said no because they had given him the rest of the day off. He sounded really drugged up. He’s on some really strong medication and this round of medication has never had this effect on him, but Frank hasn’t been eating or drinking well and of course that will effect him. It’s affecting me too. I’m really tired of having to deal with this, especially so close to my due date.

Frank went to sleep and at 3 I woke him up so that we could go to WIC and apply for that to help with food. After that, we came back home and Frank seemed more alert. He sent a text to his boss about being able to go in due to finding a babysitter.

And that’s when the news came.

Just when we thought things were looking up and getting better.

Frank got fired.

He was fired for taking Note in with him in the morning and I feel so guilty about that. If I hadn’t just gone to the interview or told them I couldn’t make it for that time, then I Frank would still have his job.

And of course this sent Frank to a bad place. Now he’s suicidal again and he’s in the behavioral center for the fourth time. I really don’t think I can handle much more of this. I know it makes me sound like a really shitty person, but I’m ready to give up on this. I’m ready to leave Frank and just try to make it on my own with my two kids. I know it’s not his fault for having a mental illness, but I don’t feel like he’s really trying to get better.

I hope I get this job. That interview needs to be worth it, and I have to get out of here.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Money Problems

Money problems are pretty much universal to everyone. Of course, there are some rich people out there that don’t share this struggle with the rest of us, but for the majority of the world, everyone has some kind of money troubles or another.

Frank has been the only one working since I lost my first pregnancy back in May of 2013. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to be a stay at home parent to Note, and, hopefully, I will be able to be a stay at home parent to Treble for at least a year, but ideally longer. This hasn’t come without its sacrifices, of course. Money is usually tight for us and we have little room for luxuries.

Recently, however, we have fallen into some money problems because Frank had to quit working to go to the behavioral center for a third time. Her stay this last time was longer than the other times, and when she came out, she didn’t have a job. She recently got hired for a new job, one that is an upgrade in pay and environment to her old one. We still only have the last paycheck from her old job though, and she’s quickly burning through all of that money.

Since she got the job just yesterday, she has been spending a bunch of money on things she thinks are “necessary”, like a new wallet and socks (she has a ton of socks already as we just bought her a ten pack) and chef coats (when she has already four chef coats PLUS two BRAND NEW ones still in the package she has been refusing to use until she gets a new job). It’s extremely frustrating to me, but perhaps I’m only so frustrated because I have been asking to put a reborn baby doll on layaway for a few months and Frank has said that I could do it once I found the doll I wanted.

I finally found a kit I absolutely love and an artist who is in our price range (Frank has also promised me a full body silicone doll with a drink and wet system, but I know that will come later) and now Frank has been backing out on me. He never lets me actually put the deposit down when I ask.

And yet she has spent so much money on things she already has and doesn’t need. I know I don’t need a reborn and I probably sound really selfish with this post, but I’m just really tired and my depression has been getting harder to fight as I wean off of my antidepressants. I’ve found that I’m much more irritable lately, and have random bouts of crying like I used to. I may have to try weaning more slowly, even though I wasn’t at a very high dose to begin with.

We both have our own problems. I really shouldn’t be so hard on her. I know she’s trying really hard, and it’s hard to be the sole source of income for a family of three, soon to be four.

That’s one thing I love about blogging. Typing out my thoughts always makes me more calm about things after.

Posted in Frank, Health, Personal, Relationships

Depression Lives Here

Depression lives in our household, and some days the smothering effects of the dense cloud of mental illness becomes hard to escape. Today is one of those days.

Frank has the most problems right now, and I try to push my own aside in order for him to be able to focus on himself and get better. He has tried to kill himself three times — that I know about — in the past month and a half. With the first attempt, he crashed my truck into a post without his seat belt on in the hopes that the airbags would deploy and kill him. Luckily, that didn’t happen.

Since then, he has tried twice to overdose on his medication. He seems better on this medication after his most recent stay in the behavioral center here in Edinburg. I’m hoping he stays more or less stable, but some days he has his downs and that triggers my own mental illness.

I have OCD and depression. I was diagnosed back in 2010 with depression and 2011 with OCD. My OCD manifests itself in the form of “Pure-O”, which basically means I do not have as many compulsions as “typical” cases of people with OCD. My mind races with thoughts and obsessions that I can’t control, leaving my mind to be a prison for my consciousness all its own.

I am one of the cases where medication greatly improved my symptoms. However, I am not comfortable with taking medication while pregnant, which is purely a personal preference as many medications are mostly safe to take while pregnant. So, in 2013 when I became pregnant with Note, I quit my medication. I actually quit my medication shortly before becoming pregnant for the first time, which ended in miscarriage. As I have talked about before, I had very bad depression during that time that was a struggle to control. I have been off medication since that time, and my depression and OCD have become harder and harder to combat on my own, but I have found a few coping skills that help me manage. However, the stress of recent events has made it absolutely necessary for me to be back on medication

It was a difficult decision for me to make as I am not a fan of the effects it has on babies in the womb. I will be quitting the medication in my third trimester due to the breathing distress it can cause in a newborn, but, for now, it has greatly helped my mental state.

Still, even while I have struggled with mental illness for a good portion of my life, I struggle with understanding and accepting someone else’s mental illness, specifically Frank’s. I have attempted suicide before, but never in the intensity that Frank has attempted (ie 3 attempts in 1.5 months). The fact that everything seemed fine that day, and leading up to that day, and then our entire life was turned upside down by this, is a concept I am finding hard to understand. But it makes sense. Of course it does. One of the most common things said after a suicide attempt — successful or otherwise — is “they seemed so happy”.

Why is it so easy for me to forget that?

I have been as supportive, understanding, and caring as I possibly can. I have struggled through and suffered in silence, besides what little I share on this blog (and the only reason I don’t share more is because I don’t have time to write more).

But some days I am certain I will be crushed underneath this weight. Some days I feel like this mental illness is going to get the both of us. Even with the medication, of which I only have a few weeks left to take before the third trimester comes, the days can be hard, harder than I think I can manage.

And yet here I still am.

And here I’ll be.

Posted in Personal, Polyamory, Relationships

Disenchantment

[insert sarcasm] You know what feeling I absolutely love? The one where you’re getting close to someone, where everything seems to be going along fine, where even your picky as fuck toddler loves this person, and they suddenly stop talking to you. It’s even better when said person said you were going to hang out Saturday, then Saturday comes and goes without a single message from them. [end sarcasm]

I understand things happen. I understand life gets in the way. That’s fine. That’s totally cool. But it doesn’t take much time to drop a text message to say “hi” or “thinking of you”.

[insert more sarcasm] And you know what the best part is? When your partner texts said person asking if they want to go out and have a beer and that person responds to your partner within the hour. Meanwhile your own text have gone unanswered for days. [end sarcasm]

I’m venting, and I know I shouldn’t be, at least not here. But at this point, I need an outlet, and this blog hasn’t gotten an update in a while. And, like I said, I am not going to let it die once more.

I’m a bit disenchanted with polyamory now, where before I had fallen in love with it all again. Like any relationship type, there are pitfalls and heartbreaks. Would I say my heart is broken right now? No, but I am definitely disappointed. It’s fine though, totally cool. I’ve been pretty busy trying to keep up with my writing schedule for NaNoWriMo. I’m finally getting one of my novel ideas down on paper, and it’s about damn time. The idea deserves my attention, or at least as much attention as I can give it between breastfeeding session and toddler tantrum damage control.

Posted in Health, Personal, Polyamory, Relationships

Keeping Up

I’ve never been good with keeping up with writing on a schedule. Every time I make a blog, it seems to fall flat due to my own inability to set aside some time to do one of the things I love the most – WRITE! (Un)fortunately, I’m at a point in my life where a lot of things are about to start changing. Some of these changes will be positive, while others will be negative. This means that I will NOT allow this blog to die like I have let it for the past year and a half.

I don’t believe I’ve ever gone into the details of my relationship situation/structure on this blog, and I hardly ever disclose the details in my real life unless such a question or situation arises where a clarification is needed. Frank and I are in an open and poly-amorous relationship. I will go more into what this means and how our relationship works in another blog post, but for now I will keep this shorter and simpler.

Frank was diagnosed with herpes this past Saturday. We get the official results this Saturday, but at this point we are pretty certain that he is going through a herpes outbreak. The bad news? We never bothered using condoms with each other (which would have only helped a little, since condoms only reduce the risk of getting herpes by 50%). Now, I’m going through a herpes outbreak myself… without health insurance. It’s not that bad yet, but I’m a few days behind Frank in terms of symptoms, and he’s getting pretty bad while taking medication. I’m not looking forward to facing the same fate without anything to curb the effects. That’s one of the negative changes in my life.

But now let me move onto the positive. His name is Charles and he’s positively wonderful. I haven’t dated outside of my marriage in quite some, so this all feels like new territory to me once again. I met him on the notorious Tinder, infamous for being a cesspool of fuckboys (have I mentioned this is my new favorite word?) and hook ups. Okay, that’s not always as bad as it sounds, but it wasn’t what I was looking for. Either way, I decided to give the app a shot and I met a couple of cool people on there who weren’t total fuckboys. One of these gems was Charles, who instantly caught my eye as he enjoyed reading, writing, and had been in a polyamorous relationship before. Yeah, the beard threw me off a little (I hate facial hair), but it was a small trade off for the personality under the hair.

The only person I have been with since my pregnancy has been T.C. I love his company and we share many interests. He’s kind and respectful. But I always felt there was just a small something missing between us. Not something easily tangible or anything I could put my finger on, probably something that wouldn’t ever cause problems due to being missing, but just enough to cause me to never want to jump fully back into polyamory after my pregnancy. Charles has that little something.

Charles and I are far from an official anything, but we’re both very excited to explore the possibility of something between us. Even if nothing happens, he has reopened my eyes to the beautiful and fulfilling life I can have should I continue down the polyamorous path. I had begun to stray, not necessarily wanting our relationship to become monogamous, but allowing myself to fall into a typical monogamous relationship on my side while Frank went out, flirted, and dated (never mind that one of the two guys he recently dated gave him herpes… Can you tell I’m bitter?).

And another (huge) plus for Charles is that Note absolutely loves him. Note never really liked T.C., and I’ve never been sure why. Note doesn’t like a lot of people though, to be honest, so it’s not usually something I hold against people, but it’s definitely a big positive..

Well, that will be it for my little update this time around. Maybe next time I’ll go into the endless amount of fuckboys I’ve met and the ridiculous amount of laughs they’ve given me.