Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

“Just one beer…”

To him it was just one beer, but to me it broke my heart.

Last night, Frank came home. He seemed normal. He woke me up in order to reach across me and move Note into her toddler bed. He got ready for bed himself, and as he did so, he asked, “Do you want to have sex?”

Heck yes. But first, I had to pee. I’m 33 weeks pregnant, after all. Go do my business, climb back into bed. Roll over, with great effort, in order to face Frank, lean in for a kiss and…

“Why do you smell like beer?”

A moment of silence, seconds stretched out beyond recognition, each heartbeat an eternity.

“I had a beer.”

Oh no. My worst fear. I feel sick to my stomach, bile rising in my throat as my heart beats wildly. What do I do? Swallow. Breathe. Focus.

I know what this means. He knows what this means, has to had known as he put the glass to his lips and took a sip. How many sips until he thought of us? Did he care? Did he even think about it? He has done things like this before without giving us a thought at all.

Of course the argument comes next, and it comes as no surprise to me that he attempts to blame this on me.

“I’m a submissive. Why aren’t you more controlling?”

And in the same breath, “I have a problem with authority and I feel like I have no freedom.”

I feel sorry for him, but I’ve always felt sorry for him. That’s why he never has to deal with the consequences of his actions, that’s why he never learns.

Maybe it is my fault.

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Posted in Frank, Personal

Busy Life

When isn’t it a busy life, right? It’s been busier as of late though.

First of all, we made the move into my grandmother’s house. We only planned to stay there for a short while before getting a place of our own somewhere, but unforseen circumstances changed that.

Twelve days ago, Frank attempted to kill himself. He did so by running my truck into a pole with no seat belt on. My truck is pretty close to totaled, but Frank is thankfully alive and well. His decision to try and end his life came from depression he has never dealt with and alcohol abuse. He is now getting help with both and doing so much better. He finally seems happy again and I’m seeing the person I fell in love with in him once more.

We’re looking for a new car and did some car shopping today. We haven’t really decided what we want to get yet, but we know that we’re more fond of crossovers and hatchbacks, especially hatchbacks. Shopping for a car is strangely exciting. I really enjoy doing it, even if it is also a little stressful.

Frank isn’t living with us until he is sober for six months, possibly until Treble is born if he does really well with his rehab. Note is taking that a little hard and really misses him, but it gives Frank motivation to work towards staying away from alcohol. Even though alcohol was ruining his life, I can see he isn’t completely free from its control. He talks about wanting to get “well enough” to where he can have a beer again and be okay. I don’t like being discouraging at these times, but I don’t think that’s the way alcoholism works at all. His therapist told him he has bigger problems than that and needs to focus on them and fixing them. I would be happy if Frank never took a drink again, and I would be more than ready to never take a drink again along with him.

Well, that’s all the time I have for updates right now. This pregnancy is really taking it out of me and I’m much more tired than usual. Time to get the toddler in bed so I can go to sleep myself!

More pictures in my next post if I find my laptop charger by then.