Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Emotional

I can’t even talk about what is going on with Frank without wanting to cry. I’ve been trying to talk about the situation with my aunt, but I just tear up and can’t type out any words.

I know they must think I’m exaggerating or crazy for staying with him. I do feel crazy for staying with him. I’m so indecisive. I do feel like I want to leave him, but I also feel really shitty for thinking about leaving him because he’s struggling.

But I wanted a divorce before he started with all this. I was ready to leave, and I feel like all of this was now just a way to make me stay. Because he’s told everyone about what he’s going through, and I haven’t told anyone I want a divorce. So, of course, I’ll look like an asshole if I leave now. How could I leave someone in his situation?

I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which way is the right way. I just want to be happy again, and I’m very tired of everything that’s going on. Maybe that’s why I feel this way.

I just want to focus on my little baby who will be here in about 12 weeks. I want to focus on the things like what I’m going to name him (yep. he still doesn’t have a name), what he’s going to come home in, the diapers he’s going to use until his umbilical cord comes off, where he’s going to sleep. I want to be able to take these last 86 days and focus on my baby and get ready for his birth. This was supposed to be the pregnancy where I didn’t have stress, and, instead, I’m more stressed than I was with Note, when my mom decided to disown me and threaten me.

I just want to be happy. I just want all this to go away. I’m so overwhelmed. This is the last thing I need.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Job Interview

So at 27 weeks pregnant, I got a call back about a job with Wal-Mart. They scheduled an interview for yesterday at 10 am. Of course, I needed someone to watch Note while I went to the interview. Frank said that he would watch her and would be able to take her to work to watch her for a couple of hours until I was done. He goes to work at 9 am and my interview was at 10 am, and we figured it wouldn’t take longer than 30 minutes. I asked him if he was sure he could do that and he said it would be fine. He had done this before a few times at El Divino, but this was a new job so I was uncertain if they were as laid back. It sounded like a plan.

The interview went well in my opinion. It was short, as we thought it would be, and at the end they told me that they had over one hundred applicants and they were still in the interviewing process and it would take about a week before they got back to me about if I got the job or not. I did tell the interviewer that I was pregnant, which I think I shouldn’t have. I know that I’m pretty far along, but he didn’t even notice my belly (it’s pretty small, although not as small as I was when I was this far along with Note). Oh well. I hope I will still get the job despite being pregnant.

After the interview, I went out to meet Frank at Cooper Moon to pick up Note. When I got there, I called Frank and asked him if I should go in or just wait for him to bring Note to me. He told me to go in, so I did. I asked for him and some lady came out. I was really confused, and only became more confused when she told me that Frank wasn’t there and he had left home. I called Frank and tried to talk to him, but he wasn’t making any sense. When I got home, I found him and Note outside. They didn’t have a key to get into the house.

I opened the door and we got inside. I asked Frank what happened and he told me they sent him home because he had Note with him. I asked him if he needed to go into work now and he said no because they had given him the rest of the day off. He sounded really drugged up. He’s on some really strong medication and this round of medication has never had this effect on him, but Frank hasn’t been eating or drinking well and of course that will effect him. It’s affecting me too. I’m really tired of having to deal with this, especially so close to my due date.

Frank went to sleep and at 3 I woke him up so that we could go to WIC and apply for that to help with food. After that, we came back home and Frank seemed more alert. He sent a text to his boss about being able to go in due to finding a babysitter.

And that’s when the news came.

Just when we thought things were looking up and getting better.

Frank got fired.

He was fired for taking Note in with him in the morning and I feel so guilty about that. If I hadn’t just gone to the interview or told them I couldn’t make it for that time, then I Frank would still have his job.

And of course this sent Frank to a bad place. Now he’s suicidal again and he’s in the behavioral center for the fourth time. I really don’t think I can handle much more of this. I know it makes me sound like a really shitty person, but I’m ready to give up on this. I’m ready to leave Frank and just try to make it on my own with my two kids. I know it’s not his fault for having a mental illness, but I don’t feel like he’s really trying to get better.

I hope I get this job. That interview needs to be worth it, and I have to get out of here.