Posted in Health, Personal

Here Again

I’ve decided to start blogging again because I feel very unheard and invisible. Maybe this won’t help with that since no one really knows about this blog, but I figure it can’t hurt to let it all out either. Anything must be better than ignoring it or bottling it up or pretending that everything is alright.

Treble’s seven months old. Note is three years old. I can’t believe how fast the time flies. But this isn’t about them, not really.

I’m struggling. And as I struggle I contemplate. I contemplate the same damn thing. I can never shake the thought from my mind.

When will it come? When will it come? When will it come?

I can’t help it. I can’t help but wish that I was dead, or would die. I’m not sure that I’d take my own life, not really, but I certainly wish it would end.

I can’t stand the thought of one more day with this pain. I can’t stand the thought of one more day of going through the motions and being alone. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how I will ever get through tomorrow.

Sometimes this feels like the worst mistake in my life. At other times, it feels like the only thing I could have done, the best thing I could have done. But I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to think or what to feel.

I feel empty and full all at once. How is that even possible?

I wish I had stuck with writing. Maybe it would have helped. But I’m terrified, absolutely petrified that someone will find something like this and use it against me. My thoughts aren’t safe when they’re out there in the world, but they’re pure torture if I let them continue to buzz around in my head.

I think listening to music helps. I often forget to use that as an outlet. It’s so easy to get caught up in the muck of living and forget that happiness and expression like music exists. I wish I had kept playing… Maybe some day I will start again.

I’m hoping that I can continue writing here. I’m hoping, like always, that I won’t let this fall into the back burner and have another long absence. I enjoy being able to look back on this blog. I enjoy being able to reflect back upon my words and my life.

Please please please let this be a good outlet for me.

Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Emotional

I can’t even talk about what is going on with Frank without wanting to cry. I’ve been trying to talk about the situation with my aunt, but I just tear up and can’t type out any words.

I know they must think I’m exaggerating or crazy for staying with him. I do feel crazy for staying with him. I’m so indecisive. I do feel like I want to leave him, but I also feel really shitty for thinking about leaving him because he’s struggling.

But I wanted a divorce before he started with all this. I was ready to leave, and I feel like all of this was now just a way to make me stay. Because he’s told everyone about what he’s going through, and I haven’t told anyone I want a divorce. So, of course, I’ll look like an asshole if I leave now. How could I leave someone in his situation?

I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which way is the right way. I just want to be happy again, and I’m very tired of everything that’s going on. Maybe that’s why I feel this way.

I just want to focus on my little baby who will be here in about 12 weeks. I want to focus on the things like what I’m going to name him (yep. he still doesn’t have a name), what he’s going to come home in, the diapers he’s going to use until his umbilical cord comes off, where he’s going to sleep. I want to be able to take these last 86 days and focus on my baby and get ready for his birth. This was supposed to be the pregnancy where I didn’t have stress, and, instead, I’m more stressed than I was with Note, when my mom decided to disown me and threaten me.

I just want to be happy. I just want all this to go away. I’m so overwhelmed. This is the last thing I need.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Job Interview

So at 27 weeks pregnant, I got a call back about a job with Wal-Mart. They scheduled an interview for yesterday at 10 am. Of course, I needed someone to watch Note while I went to the interview. Frank said that he would watch her and would be able to take her to work to watch her for a couple of hours until I was done. He goes to work at 9 am and my interview was at 10 am, and we figured it wouldn’t take longer than 30 minutes. I asked him if he was sure he could do that and he said it would be fine. He had done this before a few times at El Divino, but this was a new job so I was uncertain if they were as laid back. It sounded like a plan.

The interview went well in my opinion. It was short, as we thought it would be, and at the end they told me that they had over one hundred applicants and they were still in the interviewing process and it would take about a week before they got back to me about if I got the job or not. I did tell the interviewer that I was pregnant, which I think I shouldn’t have. I know that I’m pretty far along, but he didn’t even notice my belly (it’s pretty small, although not as small as I was when I was this far along with Note). Oh well. I hope I will still get the job despite being pregnant.

After the interview, I went out to meet Frank at Cooper Moon to pick up Note. When I got there, I called Frank and asked him if I should go in or just wait for him to bring Note to me. He told me to go in, so I did. I asked for him and some lady came out. I was really confused, and only became more confused when she told me that Frank wasn’t there and he had left home. I called Frank and tried to talk to him, but he wasn’t making any sense. When I got home, I found him and Note outside. They didn’t have a key to get into the house.

I opened the door and we got inside. I asked Frank what happened and he told me they sent him home because he had Note with him. I asked him if he needed to go into work now and he said no because they had given him the rest of the day off. He sounded really drugged up. He’s on some really strong medication and this round of medication has never had this effect on him, but Frank hasn’t been eating or drinking well and of course that will effect him. It’s affecting me too. I’m really tired of having to deal with this, especially so close to my due date.

Frank went to sleep and at 3 I woke him up so that we could go to WIC and apply for that to help with food. After that, we came back home and Frank seemed more alert. He sent a text to his boss about being able to go in due to finding a babysitter.

And that’s when the news came.

Just when we thought things were looking up and getting better.

Frank got fired.

He was fired for taking Note in with him in the morning and I feel so guilty about that. If I hadn’t just gone to the interview or told them I couldn’t make it for that time, then I Frank would still have his job.

And of course this sent Frank to a bad place. Now he’s suicidal again and he’s in the behavioral center for the fourth time. I really don’t think I can handle much more of this. I know it makes me sound like a really shitty person, but I’m ready to give up on this. I’m ready to leave Frank and just try to make it on my own with my two kids. I know it’s not his fault for having a mental illness, but I don’t feel like he’s really trying to get better.

I hope I get this job. That interview needs to be worth it, and I have to get out of here.

Posted in Frank, Health, Personal, Relationships

Depression Lives Here

Depression lives in our household, and some days the smothering effects of the dense cloud of mental illness becomes hard to escape. Today is one of those days.

Frank has the most problems right now, and I try to push my own aside in order for him to be able to focus on himself and get better. He has tried to kill himself three times — that I know about — in the past month and a half. With the first attempt, he crashed my truck into a post without his seat belt on in the hopes that the airbags would deploy and kill him. Luckily, that didn’t happen.

Since then, he has tried twice to overdose on his medication. He seems better on this medication after his most recent stay in the behavioral center here in Edinburg. I’m hoping he stays more or less stable, but some days he has his downs and that triggers my own mental illness.

I have OCD and depression. I was diagnosed back in 2010 with depression and 2011 with OCD. My OCD manifests itself in the form of “Pure-O”, which basically means I do not have as many compulsions as “typical” cases of people with OCD. My mind races with thoughts and obsessions that I can’t control, leaving my mind to be a prison for my consciousness all its own.

I am one of the cases where medication greatly improved my symptoms. However, I am not comfortable with taking medication while pregnant, which is purely a personal preference as many medications are mostly safe to take while pregnant. So, in 2013 when I became pregnant with Note, I quit my medication. I actually quit my medication shortly before becoming pregnant for the first time, which ended in miscarriage. As I have talked about before, I had very bad depression during that time that was a struggle to control. I have been off medication since that time, and my depression and OCD have become harder and harder to combat on my own, but I have found a few coping skills that help me manage. However, the stress of recent events has made it absolutely necessary for me to be back on medication

It was a difficult decision for me to make as I am not a fan of the effects it has on babies in the womb. I will be quitting the medication in my third trimester due to the breathing distress it can cause in a newborn, but, for now, it has greatly helped my mental state.

Still, even while I have struggled with mental illness for a good portion of my life, I struggle with understanding and accepting someone else’s mental illness, specifically Frank’s. I have attempted suicide before, but never in the intensity that Frank has attempted (ie 3 attempts in 1.5 months). The fact that everything seemed fine that day, and leading up to that day, and then our entire life was turned upside down by this, is a concept I am finding hard to understand. But it makes sense. Of course it does. One of the most common things said after a suicide attempt — successful or otherwise — is “they seemed so happy”.

Why is it so easy for me to forget that?

I have been as supportive, understanding, and caring as I possibly can. I have struggled through and suffered in silence, besides what little I share on this blog (and the only reason I don’t share more is because I don’t have time to write more).

But some days I am certain I will be crushed underneath this weight. Some days I feel like this mental illness is going to get the both of us. Even with the medication, of which I only have a few weeks left to take before the third trimester comes, the days can be hard, harder than I think I can manage.

And yet here I still am.

And here I’ll be.

Posted in Frank, Personal

Busy Life

When isn’t it a busy life, right? It’s been busier as of late though.

First of all, we made the move into my grandmother’s house. We only planned to stay there for a short while before getting a place of our own somewhere, but unforseen circumstances changed that.

Twelve days ago, Frank attempted to kill himself. He did so by running my truck into a pole with no seat belt on. My truck is pretty close to totaled, but Frank is thankfully alive and well. His decision to try and end his life came from depression he has never dealt with and alcohol abuse. He is now getting help with both and doing so much better. He finally seems happy again and I’m seeing the person I fell in love with in him once more.

We’re looking for a new car and did some car shopping today. We haven’t really decided what we want to get yet, but we know that we’re more fond of crossovers and hatchbacks, especially hatchbacks. Shopping for a car is strangely exciting. I really enjoy doing it, even if it is also a little stressful.

Frank isn’t living with us until he is sober for six months, possibly until Treble is born if he does really well with his rehab. Note is taking that a little hard and really misses him, but it gives Frank motivation to work towards staying away from alcohol. Even though alcohol was ruining his life, I can see he isn’t completely free from its control. He talks about wanting to get “well enough” to where he can have a beer again and be okay. I don’t like being discouraging at these times, but I don’t think that’s the way alcoholism works at all. His therapist told him he has bigger problems than that and needs to focus on them and fixing them. I would be happy if Frank never took a drink again, and I would be more than ready to never take a drink again along with him.

Well, that’s all the time I have for updates right now. This pregnancy is really taking it out of me and I’m much more tired than usual. Time to get the toddler in bed so I can go to sleep myself!

More pictures in my next post if I find my laptop charger by then.