Posted in Health, Personal

Here Again

I’ve decided to start blogging again because I feel very unheard and invisible. Maybe this won’t help with that since no one really knows about this blog, but I figure it can’t hurt to let it all out either. Anything must be better than ignoring it or bottling it up or pretending that everything is alright.

Treble’s seven months old. Note is three years old. I can’t believe how fast the time flies. But this isn’t about them, not really.

I’m struggling. And as I struggle I contemplate. I contemplate the same damn thing. I can never shake the thought from my mind.

When will it come? When will it come? When will it come?

I can’t help it. I can’t help but wish that I was dead, or would die. I’m not sure that I’d take my own life, not really, but I certainly wish it would end.

I can’t stand the thought of one more day with this pain. I can’t stand the thought of one more day of going through the motions and being alone. I can’t stand it. I don’t know how I will ever get through tomorrow.

Sometimes this feels like the worst mistake in my life. At other times, it feels like the only thing I could have done, the best thing I could have done. But I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to think or what to feel.

I feel empty and full all at once. How is that even possible?

I wish I had stuck with writing. Maybe it would have helped. But I’m terrified, absolutely petrified that someone will find something like this and use it against me. My thoughts aren’t safe when they’re out there in the world, but they’re pure torture if I let them continue to buzz around in my head.

I think listening to music helps. I often forget to use that as an outlet. It’s so easy to get caught up in the muck of living and forget that happiness and expression like music exists. I wish I had kept playing… Maybe some day I will start again.

I’m hoping that I can continue writing here. I’m hoping, like always, that I won’t let this fall into the back burner and have another long absence. I enjoy being able to look back on this blog. I enjoy being able to reflect back upon my words and my life.

Please please please let this be a good outlet for me.

Oh, and Happy Mother’s Day.

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Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Emotional

I can’t even talk about what is going on with Frank without wanting to cry. I’ve been trying to talk about the situation with my aunt, but I just tear up and can’t type out any words.

I know they must think I’m exaggerating or crazy for staying with him. I do feel crazy for staying with him. I’m so indecisive. I do feel like I want to leave him, but I also feel really shitty for thinking about leaving him because he’s struggling.

But I wanted a divorce before he started with all this. I was ready to leave, and I feel like all of this was now just a way to make me stay. Because he’s told everyone about what he’s going through, and I haven’t told anyone I want a divorce. So, of course, I’ll look like an asshole if I leave now. How could I leave someone in his situation?

I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which way is the right way. I just want to be happy again, and I’m very tired of everything that’s going on. Maybe that’s why I feel this way.

I just want to focus on my little baby who will be here in about 12 weeks. I want to focus on the things like what I’m going to name him (yep. he still doesn’t have a name), what he’s going to come home in, the diapers he’s going to use until his umbilical cord comes off, where he’s going to sleep. I want to be able to take these last 86 days and focus on my baby and get ready for his birth. This was supposed to be the pregnancy where I didn’t have stress, and, instead, I’m more stressed than I was with Note, when my mom decided to disown me and threaten me.

I just want to be happy. I just want all this to go away. I’m so overwhelmed. This is the last thing I need.

Posted in Frank, Health, Personal, Relationships

Depression Lives Here

Depression lives in our household, and some days the smothering effects of the dense cloud of mental illness becomes hard to escape. Today is one of those days.

Frank has the most problems right now, and I try to push my own aside in order for him to be able to focus on himself and get better. He has tried to kill himself three times — that I know about — in the past month and a half. With the first attempt, he crashed my truck into a post without his seat belt on in the hopes that the airbags would deploy and kill him. Luckily, that didn’t happen.

Since then, he has tried twice to overdose on his medication. He seems better on this medication after his most recent stay in the behavioral center here in Edinburg. I’m hoping he stays more or less stable, but some days he has his downs and that triggers my own mental illness.

I have OCD and depression. I was diagnosed back in 2010 with depression and 2011 with OCD. My OCD manifests itself in the form of “Pure-O”, which basically means I do not have as many compulsions as “typical” cases of people with OCD. My mind races with thoughts and obsessions that I can’t control, leaving my mind to be a prison for my consciousness all its own.

I am one of the cases where medication greatly improved my symptoms. However, I am not comfortable with taking medication while pregnant, which is purely a personal preference as many medications are mostly safe to take while pregnant. So, in 2013 when I became pregnant with Note, I quit my medication. I actually quit my medication shortly before becoming pregnant for the first time, which ended in miscarriage. As I have talked about before, I had very bad depression during that time that was a struggle to control. I have been off medication since that time, and my depression and OCD have become harder and harder to combat on my own, but I have found a few coping skills that help me manage. However, the stress of recent events has made it absolutely necessary for me to be back on medication

It was a difficult decision for me to make as I am not a fan of the effects it has on babies in the womb. I will be quitting the medication in my third trimester due to the breathing distress it can cause in a newborn, but, for now, it has greatly helped my mental state.

Still, even while I have struggled with mental illness for a good portion of my life, I struggle with understanding and accepting someone else’s mental illness, specifically Frank’s. I have attempted suicide before, but never in the intensity that Frank has attempted (ie 3 attempts in 1.5 months). The fact that everything seemed fine that day, and leading up to that day, and then our entire life was turned upside down by this, is a concept I am finding hard to understand. But it makes sense. Of course it does. One of the most common things said after a suicide attempt — successful or otherwise — is “they seemed so happy”.

Why is it so easy for me to forget that?

I have been as supportive, understanding, and caring as I possibly can. I have struggled through and suffered in silence, besides what little I share on this blog (and the only reason I don’t share more is because I don’t have time to write more).

But some days I am certain I will be crushed underneath this weight. Some days I feel like this mental illness is going to get the both of us. Even with the medication, of which I only have a few weeks left to take before the third trimester comes, the days can be hard, harder than I think I can manage.

And yet here I still am.

And here I’ll be.