Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

“Just one beer…”

To him it was just one beer, but to me it broke my heart.

Last night, Frank came home. He seemed normal. He woke me up in order to reach across me and move Note into her toddler bed. He got ready for bed himself, and as he did so, he asked, “Do you want to have sex?”

Heck yes. But first, I had to pee. I’m 33 weeks pregnant, after all. Go do my business, climb back into bed. Roll over, with great effort, in order to face Frank, lean in for a kiss and…

“Why do you smell like beer?”

A moment of silence, seconds stretched out beyond recognition, each heartbeat an eternity.

“I had a beer.”

Oh no. My worst fear. I feel sick to my stomach, bile rising in my throat as my heart beats wildly. What do I do? Swallow. Breathe. Focus.

I know what this means. He knows what this means, has to had known as he put the glass to his lips and took a sip. How many sips until he thought of us? Did he care? Did he even think about it? He has done things like this before without giving us a thought at all.

Of course the argument comes next, and it comes as no surprise to me that he attempts to blame this on me.

“I’m a submissive. Why aren’t you more controlling?”

And in the same breath, “I have a problem with authority and I feel like I have no freedom.”

I feel sorry for him, but I’ve always felt sorry for him. That’s why he never has to deal with the consequences of his actions, that’s why he never learns.

Maybe it is my fault.

Posted in Personal, Polyamory, Relationships

Disenchantment

[insert sarcasm] You know what feeling I absolutely love? The one where you’re getting close to someone, where everything seems to be going along fine, where even your picky as fuck toddler loves this person, and they suddenly stop talking to you. It’s even better when said person said you were going to hang out Saturday, then Saturday comes and goes without a single message from them. [end sarcasm]

I understand things happen. I understand life gets in the way. That’s fine. That’s totally cool. But it doesn’t take much time to drop a text message to say “hi” or “thinking of you”.

[insert more sarcasm] And you know what the best part is? When your partner texts said person asking if they want to go out and have a beer and that person responds to your partner within the hour. Meanwhile your own text have gone unanswered for days. [end sarcasm]

I’m venting, and I know I shouldn’t be, at least not here. But at this point, I need an outlet, and this blog hasn’t gotten an update in a while. And, like I said, I am not going to let it die once more.

I’m a bit disenchanted with polyamory now, where before I had fallen in love with it all again. Like any relationship type, there are pitfalls and heartbreaks. Would I say my heart is broken right now? No, but I am definitely disappointed. It’s fine though, totally cool. I’ve been pretty busy trying to keep up with my writing schedule for NaNoWriMo. I’m finally getting one of my novel ideas down on paper, and it’s about damn time. The idea deserves my attention, or at least as much attention as I can give it between breastfeeding session and toddler tantrum damage control.

Posted in Health, Personal, Polyamory, Relationships

Keeping Up

I’ve never been good with keeping up with writing on a schedule. Every time I make a blog, it seems to fall flat due to my own inability to set aside some time to do one of the things I love the most – WRITE! (Un)fortunately, I’m at a point in my life where a lot of things are about to start changing. Some of these changes will be positive, while others will be negative. This means that I will NOT allow this blog to die like I have let it for the past year and a half.

I don’t believe I’ve ever gone into the details of my relationship situation/structure on this blog, and I hardly ever disclose the details in my real life unless such a question or situation arises where a clarification is needed. Frank and I are in an open and poly-amorous relationship. I will go more into what this means and how our relationship works in another blog post, but for now I will keep this shorter and simpler.

Frank was diagnosed with herpes this past Saturday. We get the official results this Saturday, but at this point we are pretty certain that he is going through a herpes outbreak. The bad news? We never bothered using condoms with each other (which would have only helped a little, since condoms only reduce the risk of getting herpes by 50%). Now, I’m going through a herpes outbreak myself… without health insurance. It’s not that bad yet, but I’m a few days behind Frank in terms of symptoms, and he’s getting pretty bad while taking medication. I’m not looking forward to facing the same fate without anything to curb the effects. That’s one of the negative changes in my life.

But now let me move onto the positive. His name is Charles and he’s positively wonderful. I haven’t dated outside of my marriage in quite some, so this all feels like new territory to me once again. I met him on the notorious Tinder, infamous for being a cesspool of fuckboys (have I mentioned this is my new favorite word?) and hook ups. Okay, that’s not always as bad as it sounds, but it wasn’t what I was looking for. Either way, I decided to give the app a shot and I met a couple of cool people on there who weren’t total fuckboys. One of these gems was Charles, who instantly caught my eye as he enjoyed reading, writing, and had been in a polyamorous relationship before. Yeah, the beard threw me off a little (I hate facial hair), but it was a small trade off for the personality under the hair.

The only person I have been with since my pregnancy has been T.C. I love his company and we share many interests. He’s kind and respectful. But I always felt there was just a small something missing between us. Not something easily tangible or anything I could put my finger on, probably something that wouldn’t ever cause problems due to being missing, but just enough to cause me to never want to jump fully back into polyamory after my pregnancy. Charles has that little something.

Charles and I are far from an official anything, but we’re both very excited to explore the possibility of something between us. Even if nothing happens, he has reopened my eyes to the beautiful and fulfilling life I can have should I continue down the polyamorous path. I had begun to stray, not necessarily wanting our relationship to become monogamous, but allowing myself to fall into a typical monogamous relationship on my side while Frank went out, flirted, and dated (never mind that one of the two guys he recently dated gave him herpes… Can you tell I’m bitter?).

And another (huge) plus for Charles is that Note absolutely loves him. Note never really liked T.C., and I’ve never been sure why. Note doesn’t like a lot of people though, to be honest, so it’s not usually something I hold against people, but it’s definitely a big positive..

Well, that will be it for my little update this time around. Maybe next time I’ll go into the endless amount of fuckboys I’ve met and the ridiculous amount of laughs they’ve given me.

Posted in Friends, Holidays

Happy New Year!

Time for a New Year post! We didn’t do anything special for the New Year since Frank had to work. He didn’t work on New Year’s Day, just New Year’s Eve, but that’s the more important one in my opinion! Frank went into work at around noon, so we didn’t spend much time together. I went to see our friend Maribel for a while. She gave me a baby wearing wrap, which is pretty awesome, and I can’t wait to use it. I really want to have my baby here with me already.

Frank sent me a text that he wanted to go get his phone. They got paid yesterday and he had a break before service began. We went to the store, but it was closed. Frank was a bit upset and I didn’t like how obsessive he was being over the phone so I became upset. I went home and spent the day writing, doing laundry, and playing Sims.

At around 11:30 pm I headed out to the restaurant to kiss the New Year in with Frank. I waited for about thirty minutes past midnight and Frank never came out to give me a kiss or say anything to me, so I just left. It wasn’t the best thing, but I was pretty upset. I don’t like having to spend the holidays alone.

I went to pick up Frank from work later, and we shared our New Year’s kiss then. It wasn’t the best New Year, and I don’t think it is going to be any better next year, but this is the way it’s going to be.

I’m not sure if I have already said this, but our ultrasound tech told us Note is going to have big ears that are sticking out. That always reminds me of Baby New Year from Rudolph.

Happy New Year to everyone! I hope this year is absolutely fantastic. I feel like it will be because it’s the year I become a parent.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!