Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

“Just one beer…”

To him it was just one beer, but to me it broke my heart.

Last night, Frank came home. He seemed normal. He woke me up in order to reach across me and move Note into her toddler bed. He got ready for bed himself, and as he did so, he asked, “Do you want to have sex?”

Heck yes. But first, I had to pee. I’m 33 weeks pregnant, after all. Go do my business, climb back into bed. Roll over, with great effort, in order to face Frank, lean in for a kiss and…

“Why do you smell like beer?”

A moment of silence, seconds stretched out beyond recognition, each heartbeat an eternity.

“I had a beer.”

Oh no. My worst fear. I feel sick to my stomach, bile rising in my throat as my heart beats wildly. What do I do? Swallow. Breathe. Focus.

I know what this means. He knows what this means, has to had known as he put the glass to his lips and took a sip. How many sips until he thought of us? Did he care? Did he even think about it? He has done things like this before without giving us a thought at all.

Of course the argument comes next, and it comes as no surprise to me that he attempts to blame this on me.

“I’m a submissive. Why aren’t you more controlling?”

And in the same breath, “I have a problem with authority and I feel like I have no freedom.”

I feel sorry for him, but I’ve always felt sorry for him. That’s why he never has to deal with the consequences of his actions, that’s why he never learns.

Maybe it is my fault.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Emotional

I can’t even talk about what is going on with Frank without wanting to cry. I’ve been trying to talk about the situation with my aunt, but I just tear up and can’t type out any words.

I know they must think I’m exaggerating or crazy for staying with him. I do feel crazy for staying with him. I’m so indecisive. I do feel like I want to leave him, but I also feel really shitty for thinking about leaving him because he’s struggling.

But I wanted a divorce before he started with all this. I was ready to leave, and I feel like all of this was now just a way to make me stay. Because he’s told everyone about what he’s going through, and I haven’t told anyone I want a divorce. So, of course, I’ll look like an asshole if I leave now. How could I leave someone in his situation?

I feel so lost. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which way is the right way. I just want to be happy again, and I’m very tired of everything that’s going on. Maybe that’s why I feel this way.

I just want to focus on my little baby who will be here in about 12 weeks. I want to focus on the things like what I’m going to name him (yep. he still doesn’t have a name), what he’s going to come home in, the diapers he’s going to use until his umbilical cord comes off, where he’s going to sleep. I want to be able to take these last 86 days and focus on my baby and get ready for his birth. This was supposed to be the pregnancy where I didn’t have stress, and, instead, I’m more stressed than I was with Note, when my mom decided to disown me and threaten me.

I just want to be happy. I just want all this to go away. I’m so overwhelmed. This is the last thing I need.

Posted in Frank, Personal, Relationships

Money Problems

Money problems are pretty much universal to everyone. Of course, there are some rich people out there that don’t share this struggle with the rest of us, but for the majority of the world, everyone has some kind of money troubles or another.

Frank has been the only one working since I lost my first pregnancy back in May of 2013. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to be a stay at home parent to Note, and, hopefully, I will be able to be a stay at home parent to Treble for at least a year, but ideally longer. This hasn’t come without its sacrifices, of course. Money is usually tight for us and we have little room for luxuries.

Recently, however, we have fallen into some money problems because Frank had to quit working to go to the behavioral center for a third time. Her stay this last time was longer than the other times, and when she came out, she didn’t have a job. She recently got hired for a new job, one that is an upgrade in pay and environment to her old one. We still only have the last paycheck from her old job though, and she’s quickly burning through all of that money.

Since she got the job just yesterday, she has been spending a bunch of money on things she thinks are “necessary”, like a new wallet and socks (she has a ton of socks already as we just bought her a ten pack) and chef coats (when she has already four chef coats PLUS two BRAND NEW ones still in the package she has been refusing to use until she gets a new job). It’s extremely frustrating to me, but perhaps I’m only so frustrated because I have been asking to put a reborn baby doll on layaway for a few months and Frank has said that I could do it once I found the doll I wanted.

I finally found a kit I absolutely love and an artist who is in our price range (Frank has also promised me a full body silicone doll with a drink and wet system, but I know that will come later) and now Frank has been backing out on me. He never lets me actually put the deposit down when I ask.

And yet she has spent so much money on things she already has and doesn’t need. I know I don’t need a reborn and I probably sound really selfish with this post, but I’m just really tired and my depression has been getting harder to fight as I wean off of my antidepressants. I’ve found that I’m much more irritable lately, and have random bouts of crying like I used to. I may have to try weaning more slowly, even though I wasn’t at a very high dose to begin with.

We both have our own problems. I really shouldn’t be so hard on her. I know she’s trying really hard, and it’s hard to be the sole source of income for a family of three, soon to be four.

That’s one thing I love about blogging. Typing out my thoughts always makes me more calm about things after.

Posted in Frank, Health, Personal, Relationships

Depression Lives Here

Depression lives in our household, and some days the smothering effects of the dense cloud of mental illness becomes hard to escape. Today is one of those days.

Frank has the most problems right now, and I try to push my own aside in order for him to be able to focus on himself and get better. He has tried to kill himself three times — that I know about — in the past month and a half. With the first attempt, he crashed my truck into a post without his seat belt on in the hopes that the airbags would deploy and kill him. Luckily, that didn’t happen.

Since then, he has tried twice to overdose on his medication. He seems better on this medication after his most recent stay in the behavioral center here in Edinburg. I’m hoping he stays more or less stable, but some days he has his downs and that triggers my own mental illness.

I have OCD and depression. I was diagnosed back in 2010 with depression and 2011 with OCD. My OCD manifests itself in the form of “Pure-O”, which basically means I do not have as many compulsions as “typical” cases of people with OCD. My mind races with thoughts and obsessions that I can’t control, leaving my mind to be a prison for my consciousness all its own.

I am one of the cases where medication greatly improved my symptoms. However, I am not comfortable with taking medication while pregnant, which is purely a personal preference as many medications are mostly safe to take while pregnant. So, in 2013 when I became pregnant with Note, I quit my medication. I actually quit my medication shortly before becoming pregnant for the first time, which ended in miscarriage. As I have talked about before, I had very bad depression during that time that was a struggle to control. I have been off medication since that time, and my depression and OCD have become harder and harder to combat on my own, but I have found a few coping skills that help me manage. However, the stress of recent events has made it absolutely necessary for me to be back on medication

It was a difficult decision for me to make as I am not a fan of the effects it has on babies in the womb. I will be quitting the medication in my third trimester due to the breathing distress it can cause in a newborn, but, for now, it has greatly helped my mental state.

Still, even while I have struggled with mental illness for a good portion of my life, I struggle with understanding and accepting someone else’s mental illness, specifically Frank’s. I have attempted suicide before, but never in the intensity that Frank has attempted (ie 3 attempts in 1.5 months). The fact that everything seemed fine that day, and leading up to that day, and then our entire life was turned upside down by this, is a concept I am finding hard to understand. But it makes sense. Of course it does. One of the most common things said after a suicide attempt — successful or otherwise — is “they seemed so happy”.

Why is it so easy for me to forget that?

I have been as supportive, understanding, and caring as I possibly can. I have struggled through and suffered in silence, besides what little I share on this blog (and the only reason I don’t share more is because I don’t have time to write more).

But some days I am certain I will be crushed underneath this weight. Some days I feel like this mental illness is going to get the both of us. Even with the medication, of which I only have a few weeks left to take before the third trimester comes, the days can be hard, harder than I think I can manage.

And yet here I still am.

And here I’ll be.

Posted in Parenting, Personal

Baby Fever

I love newborns, and I absolutely loved Note as a newborn (Note as a toddler is a different story). I have the worst case of baby fever right now. I want to be pregnant. I want to feel a little baby moving inside my belly once more. I want to feel that wonder and excitement as I realize my child is inside me. Everything about pregnancy (except the horrible morning sickness for the entire time) was wonderful to me. Note’s birth and my labor was amazing and beautiful. That part I would do over a million times.

I stated earlier that I had started a Hope Box. Yesterday, thanks to an amazing Black Friday sale at Target, I added two new items to the Hope Box. I also found some amazing The Little Prince themed baby items that I will definitely be going back for slowly (they’re pricey, ouch). I had already decided that the theme for the next baby would be The Little Prince regardless of gender (although I’m keeping my fingers crossed for a boy!) so the arrival of this stuff at Target is some kind of sign for me. Anyway, it is because of The Little Prince theme that I’m also doing a lot of foxes for the next baby. I’m not sure if I want to get rid of Note’s old stuff since their theme was monkey and none of it really goes with The Little Prince, so it’s hanging around for now. I wanted to keep all the kids on the same nursery theme, but now I really want to change it for some reason.