Random Update

I’m feeling a bit better about the whole situation. I guess in the beginning it was very hard now that things were a reality. I talked things over with Alex and he seems to be genuine when he says we will have a child in the future.

He got drunk the other night and started texting me. It was very sweet and when he woke up in the morning he assured me that everything he said was true. I do really feel like he loves me. I do think he wants to build some kind of future together. I get so caught up in the future sometimes though, and I would really just like to enjoy what we have going for us right now.

I wonder why no one ever really had the patience for him before. He’s pretty great, willing to talk and work on the things that need improvement. I wish I could say the same about myself. I feel like I’m stuck with no way forward and no way back.

Things are not going well with Sage. I wish that I could just leave honestly. I know that is pretty horrible, but I’m just so tired and I don’t want to deal with her issues anymore. She doesn’t take care of them and doesn’t deal with them so that they become a much bigger problem than they should be. I get that they are a part of her and her life, but they can definitely be managed if she actually wanted to put in the work to do that. She wants everything to be easy, and that’s just not the way the world works when it comes to mental illness. You have to put in the work. No magical medication is going to instantly fix all the problems, especially the ones caused by deliberately getting off medication for long periods of time.

The kids are no longer going out of town this weekend, which means I have to try and find a last minute baby sitter for an event on Saturday. I do not think I will be letting them go anymore. I was treated very rudely for asking questions trying to clarify the situation. Some of these feelings might be the pregnancy hormones, but I don’t really care at this point.

I guess I am feeling a little bitter and angry.

2/6/2020 Facebook Post

Below is a Facebook post I made to a Birth Mother support group.

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Hello there. I am an expectant mother (4 weeks along) who is considering adoption for my unborn child. I am 28 years old and have two kids, a 5 year old daughter and 3 year old son. I am polyamorous and have a trans wife (28 mtf) and a boyfriend (30). My wife and I have been together for 7 years and my boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. My wife is the father of our two children.

Last month was my first month off birth control in preparation for being a surrogate for one of my friends. My boyfriend and I had a condom accident which has resulted in the pregnancy I’m carrying now. The suggestion was to have my friends adopt this baby instead of going the surrogate route since my boyfriend doesn’t want to parent. We talked about this option with my friends and they said they would love to do it.

It’s only been three days since I found out I was pregnant and we talked about all this, but it feels like every day that goes by, I have more and more doubts. I do not doubt my friend would adopt this baby or be a good family for it, but I keep doubting my ability to give it up. I have wanted another son for a couple of years now and I feel like if this ends up being a boy, it will just completely shatter my soul to hand the baby over.

At the same time, my boyfriend doesn’t want to parent and I wouldn’t force him to. I am a stay at home parent at the moment and my wife and I are barely making ends meet. I know we wouldn’t be able to afford another child, even though my wife is willing to parent with me and I am willing to work. My boyfriend keeps saying we can have another one when he’s ready in a couple of years (which I have a hard time believing for some reason). I feel like he doesn’t understand my feelings and is treating this child as replaceable. I feel like I’m stuck in this rough place where no one has really listened to what *I* want, but where I also know what I want isn’t achievable. It’s like my head and my heart are fighting; logic vs. emotion.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about all this, and I guess I just wanted to put it down and vent. My head tells me that I need to give this baby up or have an abortion, but my heart tells me to keep it and parent. I’m feeling so lost.

Thank you to everyone who stuck through to the end and read all this. It helps just to get it out. Please no negative comments about polyamory. That is not the issue here.

It Wasn’t Supposed to be His Baby

It seems like forever ago that I posted about being a surrogate. While I was originally supposed to be a traditional surrogate, the plans have changed. The couple I was helping was shipping sperm due to the distance between us and the logistical challenges meeting in person would arise.

So we decided to do a donor. I’ve finally moved to Austin and gotten pretty settled in. Things are rough with Sage, but we’ve been apart for over a year so that’s to be expected. I found myself two boyfriends, Alex and Dalton. Dalton isn’t really around much since he lives about an hour away, but Alex lives pretty close by and I see him pretty frequently when schedules allow.

Last month, January, was my first off birth control. It took me so long to get pregnant with Note, and with Treble there was a lot of half-hearted attempts before I actually got pregnant, so I didn’t think I would get pregnant right away. We were planning a donor party this month so the father would remain unknown. We had talked about Alex being a donor, but I told him I didn’t want that because I feared I would become to attached.

Well, Alex is the “donor”. And I’m a bit crushed about it if I’m being honest. I never wanted this to be “his” baby. I mean, I do think of it as “their” baby, but I never wanted Alex to be the donor. He says we can have another in a couple of years. I feel like that’s just some lie, a ploy to calm me down enough. I don’t know. I guess I don’t trust people as easily as I used to. I always imagine that there are other intentions. Goes along with being with someone who is bipolar for seven years I guess.

So, really, this is all working more like an adoption. And like an adoption, I feel robbed. I will be especially upset if this child ends up being a boy. All I want more in life right now is to have another son, and if this child is a boy, with the DNA of me and someone I love, and I just have to hand him right over… I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle it.

Either way, I’m planning to tie my tubes at 30. I turn 28 next month. I don’t have much time left. And like I said, I don’t think Alex actually wants a baby. I don’t think he wants children, or likes them very much.

My anxiety medication isn’t pregnancy safe so I’m fucked for a little while on that front too. I’m hoping that I can get to see the midwife soon and get some replacement meds for that and my depression/OCD.

So that’s why I need this blog. I need it now more than ever so I have a safe space to let out all my feelings. People seemed worried about me, and I don’t want that. I think I can handle this on my own. I’m used to heartbreak. I picked a pet that only lives for two years, after all.